We all want our children to do their best, earn good grades and do great things. How we go about supporting them and helping them find their motivation in this goal can be a little tricky.
Have you ever said (or been on the receiving end of), “Great report card, except for …”? In the pursuit of excellence, we tend to pay attention to the area that is less than perfect. The A- or B or C becomes the focus, and the child watches the good grades fade into the background. There are more productive ways to respond to the As and the Cs that will improve self-sufficiency, self-esteem and overall performance.
“Four As and a B- in math. That’s a good report card, but… how are we going to get that math grade up?”
Has that conversation ever taken place in your home? Something like it did in mine, way back in middle school. Looking back I can now say, “Honey, I shrunk the kid.”
Not enough. Never good enough. That’s the unspoken message I sent… unintentionally, of course. It said, “I know you can do better than that.” For those of you who tend to see today’s problem as tomorrow’s disaster, you know the message also included, “How will you ever get into your first choice college with that on your transcript?”
Not focusing on the B- doesn’t mean that you ignore it. Maybe this is a subject that will always be challenging, or maybe there are more steps to take. That being said, the sad truth is that when you focus on the one thing that isn’t 100%, you take away your child’s motivation to work on that one thing. What you focus on grows, and the negativity around math (or any perceived deficit), will grow.
Powerful questions can help increase motivation.
How do you address the B- in a more productive way?
In my work with parents, we always come back to having a conversation. Just about any topic is food for a conversation, and a powerful conversation includes powerful questions to increase motivation.
These questions help your child understand her feelings and what motivates her. They have the power to begin shifting responsibility to her, and ultimately to build healthy self-esteem, instead of shrinking her down.
Here are some powerful questions for the ‘report card’ conversation:
- How do you feel about your report card this marking period?
- Which grade represents a real achievement for you? Why?
- Which subject was challenging?
- Where could you use some help?
- Who do you need to ask for that help?
- What did you enjoy most? Why?
- How would you rate your overall effort? (1-10)
- Where could you have done more? What got in the way?
Now go back and look at those questions again. What do they have in common?
- They are all open-ended questions, which require thought and a deeper understanding. (When you ask a yes/no question, yes or no is all you’ll get.)
- None of these questions is judgmental or critical. You’ve asked for your child’s thoughts on her performance and effort.
- When you ask open-ended questions, it’s your child who does the thinking and self-examination. You are not speaking for her, or making assumptions and judgments.
These powerful questions, and your child’s answers, give her the opportunity to become a problem-solver. When you step back from offering solutions, she gradually learns to take more responsibility for herself, her decisions and her learning.
As for the B- in math, you can see how these questions help her find her own answers to that problem, if indeed it is a problem. It’s possible that B- is the best grade she’ll ever earn in that subject. (If that’s the case, then the problem becomes yours, not hers. Something to think about…)
Words can build up or tear down. Use them wisely.
Listen more. Say less. When you do speak, add powerful questions.
Put an end to ‘not good enough’ and shrinking the kid.
Related Articles:
Why doesn’t your kid ‘just do it’? The truth about what motivates change.
Ten study skills to retain more and get better grades.
Dear Fern,
Your newsletters and chosen topics are ALWAYS so timely for me and my family. It’s like you have a periscope into my world! Thank you very much for this post. I am grateful for the language to use when talking with my children about their grades. I want to encourage them to be their best selves, and these questions will help me do that.
Isn’t it great to have a script and powerful questions instead of making it up as you go? Glad you found it helpful, Gayle.
Greta way to look at how what we do affects the results in ways we don’t imagine at the time. Thanks for sharing another way, Fern. Insightful and engaging for parents and their kids to have a dialog instead of the usual ‘what’s wrong with you?’ and ‘do it my way’.
Right, Jean. You and I know there are more effective ways to nurture self-sufficiency and motivation. A little preparation helps. Thanks for commenting.