A mom tearfully told me that she doesn’t know how to feel loving with her 14-year old son any more. He’s been so difficult that all she sees are his behaviors, the ones that frustrate and anger her, and make her feel hopeless.
Verbalizing this is beyond difficult. It’s painful and guilt-inducing. Don’t despair. There is something you can do about it. When I shared today’s tip with her, to look beyond her child’s behavior, a clear shift occurred. I could see hope and possibility on her face and in her body language. The next time we spoke she reported an easing of tensions and some beautiful moments with her son.
What made such a difference? First understand that when you’re going through a rough patch, you tend to focus on the behaviors that drive you nuts. Toddlers, teens and young adults, tantrums, learning differences and addictions – you may wonder, “What happened to that sweet child I used to know? I know you’re in there somewhere!” You begin to lose sight of the beautiful person hidden behind those frustrating and distressing behaviors.
She’s in there somewhere. How do you find her again?
Close your eyes. Think back to a time before the craziness started. Remember that sweet child who put a smile on your face. What did she do that melted your heart? Are you there now, feeling the pure joy of the moment? Good. Stay there a moment longer.
Now be on the lookout for a time when your child is calm and approachable. Pull out that soft, warm memory and share it. Watch the person you love reappear. This is how you re-establish connection and relationship.
Whether you’ve reached your threshold or are just having a bad day, try looking beyond your child’s behavior. Small miracles can happen.
She is so much more than her behaviors… and you can help her remember that, too.