When I was a kid… Bridging the gap of parenting, then and now.

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Are there days when you think your parents had it easier than you do when it comes to parenting? They said ‘jump’ and you jumped. That’s how you remember it, anyway. “When I was a kid…” starts sounding good and simple; however, given the world and the time you live in, it’s not necessarily good, nor is it simple.

In the face of today’s too busy, too much technology, too many temptations, too little time and energy, too much stuff and too much sass, they sure seem like the good old days. I admit I sometimes go there, even get a little whiny about it. In the end, though, I have to make adjustments. As Byron Katie says, “When you argue with reality, you lose… 100% of the time.” Let’s take a deeper look at how to stop fighting what is, live in the present, and pay attention to essential questions that will make today the good new days.

When I was a kid.  Those words make our kids’ eyes glaze over and they want to run screaming from the room.  When they want something, they don’t care about how it was 20, 30 or 40 years ago; however, when making decisions we often default to our past experiences.
 
That is where our adult minds go. We compare to our past, and understandably so. The world is changing so quickly around us and the past provides a familiar framework. We are, in fact, hard-wired to resist change.  We are comfortable with the status quo.  Even when it isn’t working, it’s what we know and we tend to stay there.

The fact that it (mostly) worked when we were kids doesn’t matter
if it’s not working for us now.

 
The reality is that we live in a different world and we have been parenting differently. We give in more than we’d like to. We provide more than is necessary. More of us are working and have less time together as a family.  We are more fearful than our parents were. Our priorities have changed.
 
This topic came up at my recent workshop, “Love and Limits in the Age of Technology”.  The differences between how our parents made and enforced rules for us and how we do this with our children is stunning – deer in the headlights stunning.  Many parents want to go back to their parents’ approach, “These are the rules,” and “Because I said so.”  It certainly feels easier to just lay down the law and revert back to “when I was a kid.”
 
But laying down the law isn’t working. The fact that it (mostly) worked when we were kids doesn’t matter if it’s not working for us now.  Are you parenting in the world you live in, or according to the world you used to live in? You have a choice to make:  stay stuck in the past and live with more frustration and conflict now, or adapt to today’s reality.
 
Adapting to today’s reality gives you the opportunity to deepen your relationship with your child. Rather than ‘my way or the highway’, you can teach valuable skills about effective and loving communication, problem-solving, resolving differences, negotiating and more.
 
It helps to keep the end result in mind.  What do you want to accomplish?  Is what you’re doing taking you there? If not, it’s time for some adjustments.
 
Here’s another question to ask yourself — “Why do you really want this outcome?”  If your goal is to reduce the amount of time your kids spend on devices, think about why it’s important to you.  At the Love and Limits workshop, parents discovered that the motivation for this goal was more complicated than they thought:
 
    1) They believe that excessive screen time (however that is defined) is unhealthy for kids and
        families at many levels.
    2) They want their children to spend time doing other things.
    3) They crave more uninterrupted family time.
 
Those insights shifted the focus from “How do we control screen time?” to “What do we want more of?”  (NOTE:  This doesn’t mean that you don’t reduce screen time.  You do, but it’s not all or nothing.  It’s best done with discussion, and incrementally, unless you want an all-out rebellion in your home.)
 
Spending more time outdoors, reading, crafting, family game night, movie night, b-ball in the driveway and more… there are meaningful, healthy and productive activities to replace screen time. A little less screen time, more of what you value. It reduces or eliminates the power struggle.  It takes the edge off wanting to just throw those devices in the garbage. It’s a win-win.
 

The good old days.  When I was kid.  Those days don’t exist anymore.  It’s up to us to create the good new days.

 

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2 thoughts on “When I was a kid… Bridging the gap of parenting, then and now.”

  1. I feel very strongly about NOT living in the past with your kids. In every way you can imagine in life, if you don’t learn and grow to adapt to the world as it is NOW, you will be left behind. Your kids will feel as though you not only can’t understand them, but are dinosaurs that can’t imagine anything but old times, and the way things used to be. Things are NOT THE SAME. The challenges that teens have today are different, and we as parents need to open our eyes to see the issues that our teens are facing. Above and beyond, keep open communication, don’t judge and preach. Listen! Spend some time listening this holiday season. One of the gifts to my daughter will be a Mom / Daughter Sharing Journal so we can each write back and forth to each other… sharing thoughts, feelings, and stories!

    • Jessica, I love the idea of the Sharing Journal on so many levels – emotional, relationship, writing, and more. And sometimes it is easier to talk about a difficult subject in writing. This way allows for careful thought in sharing what’s on your mind.

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