Again. The bath towels are on the floor again.
My son, 28, moved back home several years ago when he lost his job. The good news is he found another job, and is darn good at it. The bad news is, he has a few habits that drive me up the wall. One of them is leaving towels on the floor after a shower. It looks messy, you can trip over them, and they start to smell, too.
This morning I found the towels on the floor again. The conversation in my head began like this: “How many times have I asked you not to leave towels on the floor? How difficult is it to pick them up? It only takes a few seconds.” Nag, nag, negative language. If someone talked to me that way, I’d shut down and tune out in a flash. It’s a good thing that those words stayed in my mind, and didn’t come out of my mouth.
Do you have a tendency to express what you don’t want instead of what you do want? It’s fairly common, and not very effective. Which would you rather have your child focus on, the ‘do’ or the ‘don’t’? They already know what the problem is, and know what’s coming after your first sentence. When you approach them with a ‘don’t’ you’re setting both of you up for resistance and a negative attitude.
Here’s a more productive way of dealing with the towels. “Please hang up the towels or put them in the laundry.” (My son already knows what needs to be done, so this isn’t teaching for him; however, it is non-confrontational and says what needs to be said.) This technique of teaching and stating things in a positive way really works, and it works for children (and adults) of all ages.
Parents often tell kids what not to do, when the goal is actually for them to do it differently, or better. Here are some other examples of turning nagging into teaching, and resistance into cooperation:
Don’t leave your jacket on the floor.
√ Your jacket belongs on the hook.
Why are there dishes in the sink?
√ Dishes go into the dishwasher.
You’ve spent enough time on video games.
√ When you’re done with your homework you can play for a while.
Don’t be late coming home from the party.
√ I’ll see you at 11:00.
Even better is when you can say it in a word or two. Age two or twenty-two, they’ll get it. Jacket. Dishes. Homework. 11:00.
Keep it short and sweet. Tell them what you expect. Reinforce what you want, not what you don’t want.
As always Fern, you must be reading my mind with these informative articles that you write. They always seem to come at the perfect time. I just had a sit down with my daughters last night about cooperation around the house. After reading your article I feel like all I said was a bunch of negative nagging words. Thank you for opening up my eyes to the words I choose.
Thanks for posting, Geri. Yes, someone, somewhere, any time of day, is experiencing this. It takes time to change habits and attitudes. At the very least, when we respond differently it takes the edge off. Our kids won’t be quite so defensive and may actually start hearing what we say. Awareness is a great start. Brava!
Awesome read Fern! I have a habit of talking about things in the negative instead of requesting what I want. And I end up nagging my husband all the time. It’s so true on the receiving end as well! I totally shut down when I’m spoken to that way — so this article is encouraging me to watch my language in the future. THANKS!!!!
Great article Fern and a good reminder for all of us to ask for what we want rather than focus our energy on what we don’t want. Our minds do not pick up on the word don’t. So when we say, “don’t leave your towels on the floor”, actually they are hearing, “leave your towels on the floor.”
An excellent article Fern and so many of us tend to use the negative rather than the positive when we want others to change habits of a lifetime whereas a few positive requests may actually move them toward permanent change.
We can take this into other life areas too, for instance, we often say – “Don’t let me forget to take the …………..”. or “Don’t forget to call your Mother” . We learn in NLP to practice awareness around language and to know that a more effective way would be to say “Remember to…………..
Love this article, Fern! For me, this shift has the added bonus of putting me back in the energy of simply knowing and saying what I do want clearly. I feel happy when I think about how my daughter can benefit from experiencing her mom living and behaving freely in this way. Thank you!