Shut it down and start over

Every so often my computer or iPad has a glitch, or hiccup. My husband’s advice is to shut it down and start over again. The computer resets itself and I go on with my work. (What’s really ironic is that this is my second attempt at typing this tip. The first time, a brand new glitch appeared: it was typing double letters all over the place! What did I do? Shut it down and start over again, of course.)

So what does this have to do with parenting? Everything. When dealing with kids (and people) of any age, you invariably find yourself in a challenging or no-win situation. Rather than continuing to pound your message home, take a break. Give everyone a chance to decompress, to shed some of the anger and frustration. When you’re calm, you can come back to it and experience the magic of starting over.

You know very well that insisting on doing it your way and lecturing don’t work. The other person becomes defensive. A wall goes up and communication shuts down. It becomes a battle instead of a conversation. It’s time to lose the lecture and remove yourself from the battle.

One of the most effective ways to do this is to remind yourself to TAKE FIVE. When you are in a stressful, combative situation, it’s important to take a breath and remember than you don’t have to win, you don’t have to have an answer or solution immediately, you don’t have to respond. So take five – five minutes, five hours, or even five days. There is always time to revisit this with your child (or anyone else in your life). From children to parents, from spouses to employers and employees, in the workplace or as a volunteer, this strategy works!

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. And the benefit to your children goes far beyond avoiding the power struggle. You are showing them how people reconcile, discuss their differences and show humility. This is a true win-win.

ACTION STEP:

Think about a situation or discussion that didn’t go well. Write a short script of how you can approach the other person to revisit it in a open and productive way. Then gather up your courage and do it. (For example… “I was thinking about what happened the other day. I’ve had some time to settle down and want to calmly talk to you about it. Would that be okay?”)

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